The Midas Pain in the ***
by Ealasaid
Summary: This is another story I've done with Sijan, but a lot longer than the other. You all know the story of King Midas? Well, we screwed with it...a lot. Definately humor. Just check it out^_^
1. Arg!

FFVIII , characters, places, **whatever** doesn't belong to us. Nothing except the actual story does. So...there. Don't sue us.

****

The Midas Pain in the Ass

Chapter 1: AARG!

Zell stared glumly at the bowl Ma Dincht had set before him. The unidentifiable mush that was his breakfast leered up at him like a pile of hot quicksand. 

"Eat up Zell. It's good for you. Full o' lots 'n' lots o' fiber to keep my boy regular," she retreated into the kitchen where she spent the majority of the day.

Zell narrowed his eyes at the mush. It made a farting noise. Zell timidly pushed the bowl away.

"Can't I just have hot dogs this morning like I usually do?"

Ma Dincht began swishing the water in the sink. She reached into a drawer and pulled out a hammer.

"Zell, I'm not going to let you gorge yourself on animal by-products 24-7. You remember what happened that night you and your friends beat What's-Her-Name and you had that big 'ol party after and you ordered 37 hot dogs..."

"Okay, okay, ma," Zell rubbed his temple. She had to bring **that **up.

"Just 'cause you beat up Paramecia..."

"Ultimecia..."

"Yeah....doesn't mean you can scarf down 9 pounds of meat 15 minutes later,"

"But it's just breakfast, ma..."

"Exactly why oatmeal will be your breakfast every day from now on,"

"Oatmeal?" Zell looked at the gurgling mass and gave it a hateful stab with his fork. A purple tentacle shot out and snatched the fork from Zell's hand. He shrieked and shoved the bowl away. It sailed across the table, landing with a crash on the floor at the opposite side.

Ma Dincht gave whatever it was in the sink a 'thwack' with the hammer and it squealed in pain. She sighed and turned to stand in the doorway. Her fists planted on her hips, and she glared at him in that dangerously gentle, mother type way.

"Zell Zebediah Ezekiel Dincht...would you like me to tell Selphie to sign you up for the cheerleading squad?"

"But Maaaaa..."

"Ah, now look! It's already gotten away!" she sighed again and returned to the kitchen.

"I'll just make you some more, okay?"

Another thwack of the hammer and a scream.

Zell groaned and beat his head against the table.

*@*

Selphie gazed across the plains, her rhinestone studded, bright yellow, star shaped sunglasses sparkling. She began skipping again, and began throwing the mass of flower petals she had been picking. She also began to sing in Latin, which would have been okay, it being someone else. Every once and a while, a loud "booyaka!" was heard before she settled down again.

A loud boom echoes across the field. The ground began to shake, and it split open, fire spurting from it.

"Come forth, my legions!" she laughed maniacally, and threw her hands in the air. 

Irvine, who had been watching her from afar, walked cautiously over to her. He put his hand out, and touched her shoulder.

"AAAH!" she screamed, though the pitch was about 2 octaves too low. She spun around, and upon noticing that it wasn't one of her spawn from the underworld, the sky cleared, and the ground slammed closed. She put on the sweetest smile she could muster. 

"Sefie...sweetie...what are ya doin'?" he asked. She frowned.

"Irvy, now what did you think I was doing?" 

"What else? Conjuring up evil-" 

He was blocked by a hand over his mouth. She made little "shhh" noises. He shrugged and pulled her hand from over his mouth.

Out in the distance, a lone figure stood, seething with rage. She began to walk slowly towards the bickering couple. As she closed in, Selphie and Irvine stopped abruptly, and cautiously turned around. As their eyes made contact, Irvine gulped and Selphie screamed. Oh what could this foul beast be? Adel? Ultimecia? Omega Weapon?

No. It was Rinoa.

And she was PMSing.

Irvine banished the knot of fear in his stomach and replaced his glance of horror with a charming smile.

"Rinoa, baby! Hehe...you're here.."

"Shut up, cowboy!"

"Um..ok"

Rinoa turned away from him, unable to look at him anymore. She now beheld Selphie in her glory, like one gigantic yellow smiley face. Rinoa snarled and faced Irvine once more. She just couldn't win.

"Where's Dincht?"

"Dunno. Did you even tell him to meet-"

"Of course I did!" Rinoa cut him off rudely. As she began to pace in frustration and impatience. Selphie adjusted her boots.

"I'm sure Zelly-Welly has a good reason." she stated a little too brightly," Like...he broke his leg... or went on a killing spree, or he is selling his soul to-"

Irvine interrupted breaking out of his state of thought.

"Hey, you don't suppose-"

"No, I don't," Rinoa snapped. 

"Oh...ok," 

Selphie, bored with the conversation, knelt in the grass to pick the dark colored, leafy plants (which were, in truth, deadly nightengale) that grew only in this part of the plains...along with some buttercups. She hummed a wordless chant.

Rinoa walked around in small circles for a while, thinking and cursing to herself. What was she doing here? She should be at home. With nice soothing music. A bubble bath. She sighed slowly. Midol...

"Zell!" Selphie squealed, her arms full, "You're here!"

"Finally," Rinoa grumbled, still pacing.

"Yeah..." he groaned, stumbling towards them.

"Oatmeal?" Irvine asked

Zell moaned.

"Poor Zelly-Welly," Selphie patted his head.

"I don't **care**. If we gotta **do** this, let's just **go.."** Rinoa grumbled. Selphie had returned to her chanting circle and was dancing again, scattering snap-dragon petals about as she chanted. She was difficult to understand, though no one really cared. Rinoa rubbed her temples.

"Would somebody please tell me why she keeps doing that?"

Zell and Irvine shrugged.

"Well, she does have spells in her limit break, but they usually don't involve flower petals..."

"Or the devil..."

"Wonder is she'll strip?"

"You GUYYYZZZZ..." Rinoa whined, "Forget Selphie. Let her praise Beelzebub. Let's just get this over with..."

"Get what over with?" Zell asked innocently.

"Well, Selphie wanted to tip geezards for some reason. Something about the essence of damnable spirits...I dunno. Anyway, she said we were the only people immature and naive enough to go with her," Irvine adjusted his ponytail for the fifteenth time. 

"Interesting. Think she'll sacrifice us to pagan gods?"

"Us? Nah..."

"So...tipping geezards? Dammit, I forgot my money,"

"Me too. I didn't even know geezards wore G-strings,"

Rinoa spun around to face the two young men. A hellish flame had ignited in her eyes.

"MORONS! IMBECILES! IDIOTS!"

Zell, and Irvine stared at her, then at each other, then looked around. 

"YES, YOU!"

"Yo-ho! Yo-ho! Ching-a-ring-chaw-kum-larkee.." Selphie sang louder, tucking the nightengale into her hair as she danced. The sky was darkening.

"She wants to TIP gezzards. TIP geezards! As in, knock them OVER!" Rinoa snarled.

There was a pause, interrupted only by Selphie's mindless singing in the distance.

"Tip geezards?" Irvine wrinkled his nose.

"Why would we want to do THAT?" Zell asked with distaste.

Rinoa bared her teeth against the rising scream, clutching her throbbing skull as if to rip it open.

"I will **not** explode. It's so alright. Everybody nice. Butterfly wings...bunnies, bunnies..." Rinoa babbled.

"Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of blood..." Selphie sang. The clouds began to churn and crackled with electricity. Rinoa pointed a finger at Selphie out of rage.

"AND SOMEONE STOP HER INFERNAL CHANTING!!!

As Rinoa was screaming, Selphie came to a close.

"...Booyaka! A pirate's life for me! AARG!"

At that precise moment, a bolt of white hot lightning shot down from the clouds, nailing Rinoa in the cranium with the sound of a thousand cannons. Rinoa was left standing in a stupefied daze. No one was sure if she was dead or not, but her hair was standing on end, which was more than a little funny.

"Whoa...cool," Zell mused

"Oh my God.........do it again!" cried Irvine excitedly.

Rinoa toppled over, her arm still extended, her body as rigid as beef jerky.

"Whoops!" Selphie giggled nervously. Zell gaped at the sight before him.

"Selphie, what did you do?" Irvine questioned. She glared at him nastily.

"It was not a Satanic chant! Why would you think that?"

"I didn't say that..."

"It was a sea chantey. It helps..." she tried to remember, "...ward off storms,"

"What went wrong, then?" he said hastily. She looked puzzled, and thought again.

"I don't think I was supposed to say 'AARG'"

Irvine sighed and slowly walked over to Rinoa's body, which was smoking. Zell, followed, still gaping, enthralled by the sight before him. As he passed Selphie, he shot her a giant grin, and gave her two thumbs up. She smiled and did her victory pose, sans her nunchaku. 

Irvine bent over the charred body and poked her with his gun.

"Think Squall will be mad at me? Will he kill me?" Selphie squeaked uneasily.

"Tch!" said Zell.

"Think Squall will notice? Care?" Irvine asked smartly. Rinoa gaped stupidly up at the now blue sky. A bird chirped overhead.

"Well, let's go geezard tipping!" Selphie said quickly. She began to drag Irvine along with her, though he resisted. Zell was still staring at Rinoa like a dope.

"Sefie! We can't just leave her here!" Irvine insisted.

"Why not?"

"Because my boyfriend will kill you..."

All three gasped as Rinoa sat up and spoke. Selphie began to giggle.

"Teehee! You're hair sure is weird..."

"IT LIVES...ah...uh, I mean to say...er..." Zell stammered.

"Dammit," Irvine growled under his breath.

"What did you say?!" she growled, wiggling her fingers and trying to move her neck.

"Da- I mean, are you alright?"

"No, I'm not. In case you failed to notice, which is likely, I was just struck by lightning!!" she screamed, getting up stiffly. " Somebody give me a hand,"

"Irvine backed away, Zell twitched, and Selphie began to hum.

" Ooh, a ladybug!" she squealed. Delighted, she reached down and held it up oon her index finger. She licked her lips, then popped it in her mouth. Satisfied, she turned back.

"Huh?" she muttered.

"FINE!" she yelled, righting herself on wobbly feet. She unsuccessfully tried to smooth her fried hair, and looked each one over.

"How did THIS happen," she said, pointing to herself. Selphie began to whistle, and obviously at that. Rinoa turned and pointed at her

"You..." she growled. Selphie turned abruptly.

"Me?" she squeaked, genuine fear in her voice.

"Yes, you!" Rinoa growled, walking towards the little piece of sunshine herself.. "You. You and you **stupid** chants and your **stupid** festival and your **stupid **existence!" she raised her hand, and slapped Selphie across the jaw.

Selphie was thrown violently to the ground. She emitted a tiny gasp, a hand to her cheek. She looked up at Rinoa tearfully.

"Are you on the **rag** or something!?"

Rinoa's face turned bright red with fury. She made a strange face, and began to snort, and every once and a while, she made the stupidest little noise. Selphie stared for a while, unable to think clearly. She finally decided that a lulling, calming chant would do nicely right now. She was about to speak, but was unable to. Her mouth began to fuse together, a la _Matrix_(c). She screamed pitifully, but before she knew it, her mouth leased to exist, and all that was left was a blank expanse of skin where her mouth used to be. Her eyes turned down and she began to squeak. 

Irvine, who knew her voice was her life, walked slowly over to her and patted her on the back. Zell started to do the sign of the cross, but stopped when he saw Selphie look at him with a rage that rivaled Rinoa's. He began to whistle.

"Selphie...how did THIS happen?" Irvine questioned. She shrugged lethargically.

"Maybe it's your PUNISHMENT!" Rinoa yelled maniacally, an accusing glare on her face. Had Selphie the ability to talk, she probably would have said something along the lines of, "No. You deserved it you stupid bitch!". But her usual cheerfulness and present incapability prevented it, so she simply let her eyes wander across the field.

"Rinoa...this is really not funny, and I would appreciate it if you'd cut her some slack," Irvine commented.

Rinoa put her hands on her hips, "Well Cowboy, I was just struck by lightening. How about being nice to me?" she whispered, though it was obvious she was on the verge of screaming.

"But...you're okay! Look at her. Just LOOK at her..." he trailed, pointing at Selphie.

"Hmph."

"Selphie, who had obviously kept quiet, suddenly sprung into Irvine's arms and hugged him for his care and concern. Irvine looked over at Zell and winked.

"We are going back to Garden," Rinoa ordered, and began in the general direction. The others followed quietly as they headed back to Balamb.

*~~*~~*


	2. The Insanely Long Chapter (especially fo...

Disclaimer: We don't own FFVIII or any part of it. We're just borrowing. And any brand names, etc we say, we don't own those either. Just making sure you knew. Some stuff may be from other movies. Sorry, it just fit^_^

The Midas Pain in the Ass

Chapter 2:The Insanely long chapter of death 

(Especially to the person typing it. That would be poor Ealasaid. Comfort her.)

Rinoa sat angrily on the edge of the examination table, cold air and frequent drafts adding to the discomfort. She had been forced to go here by Squall and the others. But she was fine. Fine Fine FINE! She didn't need some fat lady telling her that. And she did NOT have anything to do with Selphie's "predicament" and no one could convince her otherwise.

God she hated people.

Dr. Kadowaki waddled in slowly, her glasses crooked as she reviewed Rinoa's check up list...thing.

"Well, dear, you seem to be alright--"

"Yeah, I knew that. Tell me something I don't know," Rinoa growled.

"...but, tests show you have a...well...STRANGE thing happening all over your body. It's very odd. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Just let me..." she reached out to touch Rinoa's forearm.

"NO! Don't TOUCH me!" She yelled unnecessarily loud, jerking her arm back. Creepy doctors. She'd always been secretly afraid of Kadowaki. Ever since the time she gave her Brand A, which she happened to be allergic to, instead of Brand B, and her face bloated to three times it's normal size, and stayed that way for a week.

You just can't trust anyone anymore.

"Honey, I'm not gonna hurt you!" Kadowaki said calmly, yet sternly. Rinoa's eyes darted around the room.

"I said don't touch me. What do you not get!?" She growled. Kadowaki stepped back like some giant penguin monster, and held her hands up submissively.

"Fine. I'll just give you some Brand A..."

Rinoa probably would have screamed at the word, but she was already out of the little doors and running down the hall.

*~*

Sliding into the closest restroom, Rinoa quickly changed back into her usual garb and exited as calmly as she could. The mantra of 'Calm, dignity' running through her mind. After all, she was the President of Esthar's son's girlfriend, and she deserved more respect than she got. She was a goddess, and had a reputation to uphold. Beautiful...graceful...

She slammed head on into Mr. Zell Dincht.

She fell (ungracefully, I might add) on the slick floor, her hands flailing and smacking Zell repeatedly in the face. As she hit the floor, a shockwave pulsed through the Garden, upsetting the beautiful arrangement of potted plants that had been neatly arranged by the quad. No one was sure why, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Rinoa began to breathe heavily, her jaw jutted out and her mouth was partially open.

"You...IMBECILE!" she yelled. He scooted back away from her, fearing for his life.

"I'm so--" he began to say, but he was cut off by the immense amount of light pink and white feathers spewing from his mouth. He slammed his hand over his mouth and muttered an "eep".

Rinoa, frightened by the barrage of feathers, would have hidden behind him, but quickly remembered that the feathers were coming from him. She raised her hands like claws.

"The hell's wrong with you!?"

"How should I kn--AACKK!" Zell managed to sputter before the feathers came in a fluffy torrent. His mouth snapped shut and his blue eyes widened, then narrowed bitterly.

"YOO----AGAK!" he choked, pointing at her in accusation. He started to cough violently, clutching his throat with one hand.

Zell's hacking was so violent, Rinoa started to feel sorry for him and tried to beat him on the back. Zell jumped away from her, sputtering something about never touching him again and why she was such a bitch. He ran away.

*~~*~~*

Seifer had finally awoke at 2:41 that afternoon and drew back the curtains to his dorm, letting the golden-white light flood over him. He stood in plain view in his full glory, nekkid as a jaybird. He yawned and scratched himself.

A little dazed, he glanced around his dorm. The floor was littered with videotape and DVD boxes with such titles as: _Heidi, Lassie Come Home, The Little Mermaid, Oklahoma!, _and a lone copy of _The Exorcist._ He kicked the boxes aside and stumbled toward the dresser. Rummaging around, he withdrew a pair of black, bag-like pants he was so famous for.

"Ooh yeah... MC Hammer's got nothin' on me, baby..."

He stopped abruptly as he turned.

"I did not say that."

*~*

Seifer finished dressing and grooming, and wandered down the dormitory hallway, greeting the Garden with an obnoxious smirk and open arms, unaware that he was about to seal his fate.

As he strolled around Balamb, kicking the occasional passing child and harassing the occasional passing chick, a splotch of blue deterred his eye. Focusing on it, he realized it was someone's butt poking around the corner.

"Fuu..."he said to himself with a devilish smirk. He casually wandered towards her, a tiger closing in on its prey, until he stood only a foot or two away.

How cute, he thought. Suddenly, he slapped her on the ass.

"Put that thing away,"

Rinoa stood, her face beet red, her eyes disturbingly bloodshot, and her glare like that of a madman (woman).

"GAAHH--uhh...Rinoa!" Seifer hopped backwards. "I thought you were Fujin. Sorry! Don't kill me please!" 

He paused. 

"I mean, if you do kill me, please don't do it with the pinwheel thing." 

Another pause. 

"Well, if you are going to use the pinwheel thing, please don't tell anyone. That's such an AWFUL way to go..."

Her glare became menacing.

"Well, if you do tell people I died, tell them Fujin kicked me to death, no..." he searched his mind for ideas, "Tell them I slit my....throat...with a butter knife...no... with Hyperion! Yeah, that's it. You got all that?"

She whined," I want to yell at you. Shut up!!!"

He gulped and listened to the onslaught of curses and names that were thrown at him. His eyes darted around and about the hall. 

"Blah Seifer blah blah Seifer..." was all that was heard in the background of his thoughts.

He noticed that he might be able to outrun her, giving the meteorological conditions around him. That is, if she didn't sprout those damn wings like LAST time. He shuddered at the thought.

He shook his head. "Well, sorry! I thought you were Fujin! If I'd known it was you I'd never even conceive of slapping your nasty ass...I mean..." he stammered.

"How DARE you?!" she screamed, "How dare you think that I was that...thing!"

"THING?! I can't believe I thought that mass of fat on your hide belonged to MY first in command!"

"Your little angel?" Rinoa teased.

"Why not? Better her an angel than YOU,"

"Yeah right! I AM an angel!" She exclaimed, turning around and giggling like a schoolgirl before resuming her intimidating stance.

As they argued, Seifer neglected to notice that his left arm was twitching involuntarily. "You, an angel? An angel of HELL, maybe. Where's yer pitchfork, Lucifer? Damien?"

"Hey, don't call me that, you...you...what the hell are you doing?" she watched him, his hand flopping around like a fish out of water.

Seifer jerked his arm still abruptly. "I dunno...my hand...it fell asleep, I guess. Maybe it's waking up." he shook it absentmindedly, "Geez...feels like...like..." He took his left glove off. His eyes bugged out. 

"What?"

"AAAH! You cursed me! he yelled, shoving his hand into her face. She pushed it away.

"It looks like a rash. Probably poison ivy. Maybe you should invest in some cortisone cream." she informed him, staring at it blankly.

"How would I get poison ivy? I don't go **rolling** in the fields!" 

She looked at him with a questioning glare, and a made a 'Whatever' face, so much like Squalls it wasn't funny. He narrowed his eyes.

"I don't care what you think!" he yelled defensively, "You cursed me you...you....BOAR DEMON!"

She looked at him, puzzled. "...Okay."

He sighed his deepest sigh yet, and looked at her like she was crazy. "Haven't you ever seen Mononoke Hime?" he asked furiously.

"And you have?"

"Yes! It's right next to _The Little Mer_..." he paused, "...derer"

An awkward silence.

"Look Seifer, I don't know what you are talking about. Just...go away," she said, shooing him.

"Dammit, no! **You** cursed me...**you **get rid of it!"

"I don't know what you're talking about! It's freaking POISON IVY!"

He sighed once more. "Fine! Fine! But when you go and cut off a Forest spirit's head and it's body engulfs the world, don't come a' runnin' to me!"

She looked at him, more puzzled then ever. Seifer ran down the hall to his dorm. He needed to watch that movie again now.

*~~*~~*

Rinoa found herself outside the door of Squall's room. But before she knocked, she stopped suddenly. There was a voice coming from inside his room.

"WHAT-ever...what-EVER...what-everrrrrrr...whaaaaaat-ever...whatever. Whatever. That's it!" he squealed giddily, and the sound of hands clapping together was heard. Rinoa took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

Squall, who could hear a door open a mile away, let his face fall into a state of nothingness and looked coldly at said door. 

Rinoa.

"Squall, what are you doing?" she asked timidly. 

Squall looked at her glumly, as if his dog had just died. Well, despite the fact that he didn't have a dog. But seeing Rinoa and having her in his presence was depressing, therefore the aforementioned "dog" wasn't really of any matter. He just wanted the pain to go away. "Nothing," he grumbled.

She walked over to him. Terrifed by the thought of personal contact, he started to back away, only to find himself in a corner. Trapped like some stupid deer while the lioness crept towards him, her eyes glaring, her teeth bared.

Or maybe she was smiling,

Either way, it didn't matter. Those damn raptors in Jurassic Park© looked like **they** were smiling, but what did they do? They ATE people. He closed his eyes and prayed for a quick death.

"Squall...what's wrong?" she asked innocently.

"Nothing," he sighed, looking out of the window, wondering how far the fall was and how much it would hurt.

"Squall, everyone is being really mean to me..." she whined. 

He froze. He knew she wanted support, but he definately didn't major in THAT subject. He thought. _They are just being jerks. They are jealous of your beauty and grace. _That's it. Exactly! He took in a deep breath...

"Th...we...uh...okay,"

_Damn._

"Squall, you don't care!" she screamed, clenching her fists and walking in place.

_Great. Now she's mad...I can't do anything right,_ he thought to himself, and braced himself for a blow.

"But I'm not going to hit you,"

"No, Rinoa, I didn't mean..." he looked at her, "...you're not?"

"No" 

"Ohthankgod..."

"I'm going to have a nice...**calm**...quiet talk with you," she answered simply, shaking her hair.

_Shit._

"And I'm going to be as frank as I can be..." she plopped down on a stool and beckoned him out of the corner.. He timidly obeyed and sat uneasily on the bed across from her.

Rinoa sniffed and open can of Tab© she's plucked from Squall's desk behind her. She tasted it, wrinkled her nose in disgust and sat it back on the desk where she'd found it. 

" Squall, how can you stand that crap?" she commented, shaking her head.

The moment she sat the can down and turned back around to face him, there was an eruption of fire where the can had been. It lasted only a brief instant, but every bit of ignited metal was reduced to a meager pile of smoking, black ash. Though it didn't seem possible, Squalls eyes got wider.

"Something strange is happening. It's like, everyone suddenly hates me," she continued, unaware of the occurrence. She stood, pushing the stool aside as she started to pace the floor. It likewise disintegrated in a burst of flames. Squall jumped and blinked, unable to do much else.

"Just cause everyone ELSE has problems doesn't mean they can blame them all on ME. It's so unjust."

"P-p.problems...?" Squall stuttered, staring at the ash of what was once his chair.

Rinoa waved her hand frivolously. "Zell and his feather thing, Seifer and that...rash...all sorts of things. Anyway..." Rinoa stopped at thw edge of his desk and sniffed the air suspiciously. "Squall...you don't **smoke**, do you?"

"Nuhhh..."

"Okay, okay! Don't bite my head off." Rinoa replied irritably. Her eyes traveled over the contents of his desk. 

"I mean...why won't somebody have pity on ME? **I'm **the one who got zapped by a zillion-odd volts of electricity by a sea chanty." she sighed, her hand hovering over a document. "Squall, what's--"

"NO!" Squall exclaimed, finally gaining some coordination. 

Rinoa stared wide-eyed at him, almost on the verge of snapping his neck with her teeth. "Now YOU too? My own BOYFRIEND? I just wanna see it for God's sake!"

"Okay, fine, look at it!" Squall retreated, figuring it was probably just an old SeeD dispatch notice. 

Rinoa read it aloud. "Acceptance Speech for Inauguration as President of SeeD...Final draft."

_SHIT!_

She tossed it aside. "How nice"

It blew up.

Squall nearly collapsed as he watched the 16 page document, the only speech he'd ever prepared for in his existence, be absorbed forever into time. It almost brought tears to his eyes.

"What's your problem?" Rinoa asked rather rudely. Squall could only force out a coarse squeak, then buried his face in his hands.

"Forget it,"

Rinoa clenched her fists. Her left eye began to twitch unpleasantly. "I came up here because everyone's being mean to me, and now you're hiding something from me! You're supposed to talk to me! Comfort me dammit!"

She marched up to him and gave him a shove that sent him sprawling on his bed. She pinned him down by his shoulders with an unnatural strength.

"Oof!" said Squall.

A pause. Squall, who literally expected to explode and was surprised to find himself alive, opened his eyes warily.

"Don't you LOOOOVE me, Squall? Don't you caaaaaare anymore? My ai? My kawaii Squall-sama," she muttered in her garbled Japanese. 

She piched his cheek, "My ookie-dookie-snuggle-bunny-bottoms?"

"Please, let's not use that word..."

"What? You don't want to be my ookie-dookie-snuggle-bunny-bottoms anymore?"

"Eh...you're hurting me."

Rinoa came close to snarling , and hastily stood up. She turned away from him dramatically. "Fine. If that's how it's gonna be...FINE!"

Another pause before Squall finally spoke again. "So you...don't care?" he asked hopefully.

"Care? Care! Why should I care? Do I sound like I care to you? Are you deaf or something? Is this the face of someone who cares? What is this "care" you speak of? I've never seen or heard of such a word in my entire life! Not in my dictionary! Care...feh. Phooey on Care. It makes me laugh! HA!"

Squall rose to his feet. "Sooo...you...DON'T care?"

"Ha!"

Squall forced back the grin that came close to crossing his lips (that would surely doom him).

"Goodbye Squall Lenohart. I'm about to walk out of your life forever," Rinoa headed for the door.

She halted. " But don't come crying and crawling back to me. From now on, I'm a loner. Don't try to change my mind, don't try to stop me. This is it. Don't you say I didn't warn you. Yessiree, ready to welcome singel freedom with open arms..."

Squall held the door for her.

*~~*~~*

"EXPLAIN."

Seifer recoiled in fear as Fujin barked at him. Raijin sat quietly in the corner in a chair, debating whether he should leave or not.

"Not really much...uh...poison ivy, yeah" he stuttered. He reminded himself to thank Rinoa for that one.

"LIAR."

"I seriously thought it was you--"he choked. Now THAT was brilliant.

"So..." she calmly stated, resorting to normal speech, "you thought poison ivy was me? Thanks for the compliment. Nice to know I'm an itchy weed to you."

He cringed. This wasn't going to be pretty.

"I didn't mean it that way. I..well..."

She cut in. "In what way do I look like a plant?"

Seifer was about to speak, but Raijin thought he should give his two cents.

"Cuz you're all skinny, and plants are skinny, ya know?"

Seifer rolled his eyes. "Okay, so I didn't mean that. It came out wrong."

'So? Explain then." she resumed, putting her hands on her hips.

"Oh...oh God..." Seifer mumbled to the heavens.

"What?"

"Praying, praying..."

"It can't be that bad. Just tell me."

He gulped. "Well lets just...uh...say...it involved a...blue...posterior....of some sort.

"SEIFER..."

"But I swear..." He pleaded.

"RAGE!"

"I didn't know!"

"You mean, YOU grabbed Zell's ass?!"

Raijin doubled over laughing.

"What?! I mean...well..." Seifer debated the thought. Say it was Zell: Fujin would spare him. Say it was Rinoa: He'd die a cruel and painful (not to mention unusual) death. But if he said it was Zell, the rumors would spread. That would be bad. Oh God! Wgat would Squall do if he said it was Rinoa and the rumors spread? Wait! Why was he afraid of Squall? He grabbed Rinoa's ass. But what about Fujin? Okay, so he grabbed Zell's ass. No wait! He'd be labeled a pansy! He had a reputation to uphold. So.."

"Seifer?"

"Yes'm?"

"Grabbing Zell's ass, no matter how odd that may be...hell, it's downright sick and twisted...shouldn't give you poison ivy." she stated.

"She's right, ya know." Raijin stated.

"Would you just shut the hell up?" he said exaggeratedly. Raijin made a sad face and sat back down. 

"Just tell me...why?" Fujin asked gently. He bit his lip.

"I...thought it was you," he replied as innocently as he could. "I mean...not that it looks like yours or anything..." he added quickly.

"Seifer..."

"I just saw blue!" he exclaimed. She looked at him for a while, the shrugged.

"Okay, I guess I believe you."

He let out a breathe he had been holding, and wiped his brow with his sleeve.

"She rocked back and forth nervously. "You seriously thought it was me?" she asked, perhaps just to comfort herself. 

Knowing this, he smiled warmly. "Yeah."

She grinned about a mile wide and jumped to hug him. She floated through the air like an angel flying into the arms of her god. This was it. What she had been waiting for forever. Just a moment longer...it seemed like forever. Soon, she would be in heaven...just a little more...

She fell flat on the floor.

Seifer, who had seen the aforementioned smile and was startled my it's intensity, had backed away just enough so that Fujin missed him completely, and made direct contact with the floor.

She sighed and let out a muffled, "RAGE..."

*~~*~~*

NOTES: Whew...that was one long chapter...I **think **it's the longest one. Whatever. I think it's the one with the most dialogue anways. Gee...I almost thought it was a script for a second. Sorry minna^_^Oh, and if there are some nasty errors in there, sorry...it's quite late.

Thanks for reading!

-Ealasaid

  



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